The loneliest moment in the world is when you wake up at 4 am while in the depth of depression.
When you are depressed, sleep is an escape. A great 8 hours free from sadness. Free from thoughts of suicide. It is one of the few sweet reliefs from agony. But nothing is worse than waking up at 4 am while suffering from depression.
Your relief is stolen, and you are thrown in a temporary hell.
At 4 am, you are completely alone. Not a soul is awake. You cannot pick up the phone and ask for help. You cannot go to work/school, talk to your family, or find an activity to stop you from thinking about being dead inside.
And in those three hours until your alarm goes off, you can only think of one thing, killing yourself. You are in such a horrible state that the only comfort you feel is the thought of death. If I am dead, I will no longer feel this saddness. I will no longer feel this pain.
And its not that you want to die. Its that you want it all to stop. And the world gets so overwhelming, you get so drowned in your own sadness, that you do not see any other way to end it other than to end your life.
And for those three hours, you are dead inside. Paralyzed in your bed. Just trying to hold on to life because deep down inside you want to live. Maybe the day will bring a smile or laughter. Maybe the anti depressants will kick in. Maybe everything will be better. That hope lingers somewhere in the back of your mind. Just enough hope to keep you paralyzed. Because if you moved, you would end it then and there.
Thats the loneliest moment in the world.
(By the way, the last time I felt that way was when I was 20, five years ago. Things get better.)
