Lets get this right

The actual lyric is,

Nobody sees tears when youre standing in a storm

Atmosphere, “Godlovesugly”

Full Song:

“Godlovesugly”

I wear my scars like the rings on a pimp
I live life like the captain of a sinking ship
The one thing that i can guarantee
I’m like a stepping razor, i suggest you stay fair with me
Been payin dues for a decade plus,
Before that i was just another face on the bus
Tappin my foot, to the beat on the radio
Dreamin ’bout the mic and the money and the ladies
Oh mom, i promise im gonna be large
Someday im gonna stop tryin to borrow your car
Gonna go far, with charisma and skill
Until they put my face on a million dollar bill
Atmosphere, its just a ten letter word
Discretion is the name of my cement-feathered bird
And if you didnt hear, fuck whatevers heard
I think you got the sickness i suggest you get it cured
Caught up in the mix, of a bottle full of fix
Im gonna hobble down the street ’til i reach knob creek
Its not that i dont like you, i just dont wanna speak
You fuckin freak
Now keep your days out my week
The world keeps a balance, through mathematics
Defined by whatever youve added and subtracted
Im pushin on the hammer, to trigger the brain
Embrace how i live it, god loves ugly

[chorus]
God loves ugly…

Once upon a time in minneapolis, yo
I damn near had to steal the show
I stepped on the stage, who is it?
My names slug ive come to kill a couple minutes
Whats up with the way, that everybody gathers around each other
So they can steal each others sound
If its all about gettin down with the get down
How long i gotta wait for these fools to sit down?
Appears more clear in its simplest form
Nobody sees tears when youre standing in a storm
Abandoning the norm, and handling the harvest
Measuring the worth by the depth of the hardships
I welcome all the hatred you can aim at my name
I held on to the sacred ways of how to play the game
When the soldiers started runnin short on rations
I began tappin the egg, to spark the hatchin
Make it happen
And take this captain to the gallows
I keep steerin us into an area thats shallow
Talkin to my shadow, he advised me not to worry
He said i should plant my tree and let it rise out of the fury
So give me some light, a little love and some liquid
Im gonna creep through the night
And put a plug in the spigot
And when the water grows
And the dam starts to overflow
Ill float atop the flood, holding on to my ugly

[chorus]

Why scream, when you can lose yourself inside the wide-screen
Let life be a bowl of melted ice cream
Or be the deer thats caught in my high beams
Im rollin with the lights on, scared stiff
Reality is just too much to bear with
Paranoid, walkin around careless
No wonder youre in love with your therapist
Go to sleep my little time bomb

But I noticed

Its funny, how you can walk past something every day and never notice it?

Its part of your life, your bedroom, your neighborhood, your world, and yet you never notice.

How can I walk down the street everyday and never see that window.  How can I sleep in my bed every night and never notice the cracks in the wall.

Was that window always there?  Were those cracks always there?

And everytime I see something thats been sitting right in front of my face, I wonder, what else am I missing.

What else has been taking place right under my nose that I never saw.

I have a joke, or maybe a philosophy.  When things do not seem right, always believe the positive.  Its better to believe the positive, than let the negative kill you.

When he is acting funny, its because he is in love with you.  Its not that he hates you.

When people are whispering, its because they are throwing you a surprise party.  Its not that they are talking about you.

Its partly a joke, because it can be so apparently wrong.  No one every threw me a surprise party.

But I rather believe they are.  I rather believe things that make me happy.  I rather be happy in my mind than sit in my room and cry because the world is a cruel place.

But then, what if you never notice he is acting weird?  What if you never notice the whispers.  What if every day of your life you walk down your street and never notice the world in front of you.

Thats what I am afraid of.  How long did it take me to see those cracks?  Three months.  How long did it take me to see that window?  Four months.

How long will it take me to see happiness, or the world I want?

Who knows.

The Beginning

I had imagined the day over and over again in my head.

I would see you, on the street, at a show, at an old restaurant. You would say “I am sorry. I still love you. Will you forgive me?”

And I would belittle you. I would tell you that I can never forgive you. I can NEVER forgive you. How dare you treat me so badly.

And I would see your heart crush, the way you crushed me. I would see you destroyed. For a moment, all the pain you caused me would disappear. Because I finally got you back. I finally got my revenge.

Good people do not deserve to be treated this way. Good people win in the end.

But it did not happen like that.

It took two years. And I got an email.

I am sorry. Now that feels better.

NOW THAT FEELS BETTER?

Who was the apology for? Me or you?

And when I first saw those words, after two years, I sobbed. I cried like I had not cried before. I sat at my computer barely able to breathe.

And I looked around, I looked around for that person to ask me, “Are you ok?”

But I was alone. Because after two years, you still made me cry. After two years, I chose to keep myself distant from anyone else in the world.

After two years, you still had the power to rip open the badly sewn wounds.

These scars don’t fade. Why won’t these scars ever fade?

And I remember thinking that week, I have not thought about you in such a long time.

Finally progress.

And like the evilness that you are, you come back immediately. Like a cancer that goes into remission, as soon as I gain hope, you start again.

And like a cancer, I do not want to fight it anymore. I just want to die.

Life is not like fairytales or the movies.

We do not get our revenge. The bad people do not suffer in the end. Cheaters never proper, oh yes they do.

And for a moment, I felt relief.  You apology gave me relief.  For a moment everything is ok in the world.

Until I read those words, “now I feel better.”

I hate you.

Why couldnt you let me relief be pure and innocent.

Why do you have to fill me with wrath.  Why do I have to sit here alone and lonely.

In a true fairy tale, you would get hit by a bus and I would laugh.  Thats what you deserve.

But this is real life, and I would cry.  Because even the worse of us don’t deserve laughter at our death.

Sinking Ships

And I can feel it.  The sinking.  The slowly slipping deeper and deeper.

That knife is in my room.

Hope is tattooed on my wrist.  I can cut write through it.

I am tired of it being there.

I am tired of it being there.

Sinking.  Slipping.  Deeper and deeper.

Despair.

I am tired of it being there.

Just a line.

Bleeding red.  Watch it drip.

That knife is in my room.

Whats another scar.

Whats another scar if it is the last.

And this ship is sinking.

No one is pouring buckets of water back into the ocean.

Just let it sink.

I am tired of it being there.

Insomnia

I cannot sleep on most nights purely because my mind will not stop thinking. The wheels keep churning and thoughts jump from one to the next.

<u>For example last night I thought about:</u>

Instances of depression in my life, which lead to

Anti Depressants I have taken, which lead to

The weight I gained every time I took anti depressants, which lead to

My conversation with my best friend in which I said “I will not take anti depressants again until I lose the weight I gained, which lead to

Why was I having this conversation with my friend, which lead to

I remember my friend dragging me out of bed and forcing me to get a milk shake because I was depressed, which lead to

How did he know I was depressed? What was he doing at my house? Which lead to

Oh shit.

No wonder when he got a girlfriend we could not be friends anymore. Which lead to

That time he asked, can I just sleep on your bed instead of the couch? And in the morning I asked the guy I was dating to go out to breakfast, and he got mad stating he wanted to hang out with me.

Oh shit.

How did I not see it the whole time.

And then that last thought just goes on repeat….

Strangers

Sometimes the simple words of strangers penetrate into your soul.

You love him but you have too much pride to call him.

Man Caves

This is the most absurd thing I have ever read:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/05/02/mantuary.marriage/index.html

I am a woman, and I think its absurd that a man has to hide his things away in the basement.

What happened to equality?  Equality means the woman has to also give up decorating.

Stupidity.

The whole world is stupid.

Life is a Silly Game

Life is a silly game, a catch 22, the grass is greener somewhere else, you never get what you want, and things always go wrong.
Things always go wrong.

And I can only laugh.  I can only laugh when I get 6 phone calls from the boy I am NOT interested in and the boy I am interested in decides to date someone else.

And we are both lonely.

I know you are lonely.

But is it fair, to answer your phone call out of pity?  Is it fair to spend time together purely out of loneliness?

And thats where all the lonely people come from.

Refusal to sacrifice themselves to spend time with another.

And I remember that day, I looked into his eyes and wanted to cry because I was a liar.  I was a liar pretending to care for him, purely out of loneliness.  I wont do it again.  I wont do it again.

I am sorry you are lonely, but I am not a liar.

And thats why life is a cruel silly game.

You, Me, and Everyone We Know.

Sometimes I look around at the world and wonder, is this really my life.

As I am sitting on the stairs of my backyard, looking at the rolling houses in San Francisco.

Is this really where I live?

As I am riding my bicycle with 30 other people.

Did I really create this?

As I am driving down the rode.

Is this my life.

And I remember the words of other people.

“Oh you are one of those people?”

“You are not going to have anyone ALa, you will have to take care of yourself”

Is this my life?

And with those thoughts, I always wonder, how did I get here.

Did I always want this?

Did I ever want this?

Even if I wanted this, how did I manage to get here.

How did I manage to make it.

And I just look out.

Step away from the moment.

Is this really my life.  Did I survive this long.

I remember saying I would never make it to 30.

I am not 30, but those years do not seem so far away.

I will make.

And life is long and hard and painful and yet somehow I managed to get here.

The Office

Sometimes my life is TV.

Me: My cell phone wont get service today, I don’t know whats wrong.

Boss: Thats because we shut it off, you are getting your pink slip tomorrow and we don’t want you to incur anymore bills.

Me: What????!!??!??! Are you serious?

Boss: No, I am kidding, what is wrong with you?

That was not funny at all.